Why She Trusts God: The Turning Point of a Dark and Empty Season

If you’re in a season where God doesn’t make sense, where your prayers feel unanswered, where you’re stuck between what you desperately want and what God seems to be allowing – this episode is for you. December’s podcast episode may be one of my most vulnerable as I share a despairing season of my life. 

A time when I discovered something I really didn’t want to learn…

The turning point was the most difficult choice I've ever made. It may be the hardest decision you’ll ever have to make. But it might be the one that saves you from despair.

This episode conveys what it really means to trust God when He doesn’t give you what you think you need.

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Transcript

In the beginning, the earth was formless and empty, and darkness covered the deep waters. And the Spirit of God was hovering over the surface of the waters. Then God said, “Let there be light,” and God saw that the light was good. (Genesis 1:1-3)

In the beginning… 

I remember my body felt like a thousand pounds. Movement exhausted me. A shower required a nap. Slowly, so slowly, my physical strength flowed far from my muscles. 

I remember the frustration. Testing that revealed nothing and the questions insinuating it was in my head. 

I remember the anger. My prayers demanded an abnormal result and a return of better health. I insisted on His intervention because my current state was unacceptable. I wanted to know what happened to me. Had to find a reason. I obsessed over it though I recognized testing options were running out. Doctors were eliminating diseases and syndromes.            

A last ditch effort brought me to the Mayo in Rochester, Minnesota. After a boatload of testing, I realized, before being told, there would be no diagnosis. 

The one thing I needed from God, He would not provide. A diagnosis.

In the blink of an eye, my frustration, anger, and will to pursue an answer metamorphosed into a gut-wrenching anguish.

I knew what I needed and instead I felt God handed me despair.

Despair because...         

• weakness and fatigue scared me
• of the loss physically and personally. Those around me either fled or supported from afar
• of being a burden to my husband
• of being bed-ridden in the future – visions of being unable to bathe or toilet.

 In that Minnesota hotel, internal darkness closed in. I felt fear, agony, emptiness filling my heart. My stomach nauseous, my chest tightened, I was utterly alone in this anguish that made every nerve raw.

 The evening before we were to have our final meeting with the neurology team, we visited a bookstore adjacent to the hotel. There I found a book by James Dobson, titled, When God Doesn’t Make Sense. As I flipped through the chapters, I noticed the title, Acceptance or despair. I purchased the book wondering if it could give me any hope.

In that chapter were stories of people in fiery trials and the message boiled down to this: faith in God, trust in God saves you. Exert your will as if your life depends on it because acceptance saves you from despair.

I remember putting the book down and feeling nauseous again. That’s it? When God doesn’t make sense, I need to choose acceptance over despair?

I sobbed. The chase after a diagnosis had led me to despair. To continue would take me farther in. But acceptance? 

 Isn’t acceptance pretending I’m okay with where I’m at? 

Do you, God, want me to just surrender and give up a desire to get better? 

 Genesis 1:1-3 says, “In the beginning, the earth was formless and empty, and darkness covered the deep waters. And the Spirit of God was hovering over the surface of the waters. Then God said, “Let there be light,” and God saw that the light was good.”

Despair’s emptiness and darkness blinded me to God hovering so close. Only the path of acceptance and trust could bring light into the darkness. In the light you find God.

What is acceptance? 

• It might be the most difficult decision you ever make
• Asking/seeking God and others for help with the anguish, distress, anxiety.
• Surrendering the need to know and the why-why did this happen (this is very hard)
• Acceptance is broadening your viewfinder, stepping back from a telephoto view. Acceptance casts light onto what God is doing in you, where and when He’s moving, and who and what He is providing. 

 What does acceptance look like? It’s:

• A process of living moment to moment, hour to hour, day to day
• Daily commitment to trust God with uncertainty
• Increasing peace where there is none
• Relinquishing the returning questions, doubts, anger, and anguish

At the Mount of Olives, in the garden of Gethsemane, we are given an image of acceptance. Jesus asked His Father to take away the cup of suffering. The intense, fiery wrath of God that Jesus was to endure so we might be reconciled to God. It was a gut-wrenching, blood sweat decision.

God knows an unanswered prayer or question can trap you in an ever-deepening sinkhole. Its depth can obscure light, light so desperately needed. In the midst of chronic sorrow, relapsing anguish, or the darkness of despair, God provides a beacon and his strength lifting you up and out. 

In the sinkhole, the critical moment for you and me is whether we will choose acceptance. 

I could not trust God as I do today without plummeting into the darkness. And God felt it sufficient that I not be given a diagnosis just a few vague possibilities. 

Six long months of intensive therapy got me to a point that I could function and the two years after that I regained most of my physical abilities. I’m stuck with some neurological issues and that’s quite okay. It prompts gratitude and a remembrance of a time God’s presence led me out of the darkness and into His light.

Your acceptance of the problem or concern tells God you believe he’s aware, in control and taking care of the matter. Acceptance says I trust God more than I trust what I can see or feel. 

Never, ever will you hear me say trusting God is easy. Your trust is challenged every day because you live in a sinful world. Ask the Lord to strengthen your trust in him. Make that trust an anchor that you embed into God. 

Until next time,