Hyper-independent with Mid-life Anxiety? Why and How God Can Help

You were raised to handle things yourself — figure it out, don't ask, don't need. And for a long time, that worked. Until it didn't.

If you're a midlife woman wrestling with anxiety, chronic worry, or overwhelm, there's a good chance the very strength that kept you standing has quietly become the ceiling on your healing. In this episode, we're taking an honest look at hyper-independence — that deeply ingrained habit of going it alone — and how it may be feeding your anxiety more than fixing it.

I'll walk you through a short self-assessment to help you recognize your own patterns, and then we'll talk about what it actually looks like to pause self-reliance aka hyper-independence — not abandon your capability, but open a door for God to move in the places your best thinking can't reach.

There's a room in your heart where Jesus is already seated and already asking, "What's going on?" This episode will help you find your way to that table.

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Transcript

In my 20s, I had my life trajectory planned. My internal messaging said I should be able to do it myself. My parents expected me to be independent. The responsibility of learning was on my back. This got me in a lot of trouble because I had no street smarts. Dangerous even then. The fact was self-reliance was my only option. 

I became a master at directing my life. CLO, Chief Life-Direction Officer. Sure I took under advisement what others said, weighed it against my opinion, then often discarded or discounted the advice for my own.

I did this with people and with God because my experience is that they were unreliable, no-shows, or didn’t understand me.  

Are you self-reliant, hyper-independent with anxiety? Indulge me and take this quiz. Keep track of your yes answers to the questions.

Do you handle all or nearly all your issues alone without asking for help?

Do you believe anxiety or overthinking can go away on it’s own or you can fix yourself?

Do you refrain from sharing your anxious thoughts, overwhelm for fear of negative labels?

Do you dislike or avoid talking about your emotions, weaknesses, or vulnerabilities?

Do you believe professional help for anxiety doesn’t or won’t work for you?

Are you self-treating your anxiety, overwhelm, or over-thinking?

If many of your answers were yes, it’s likely you’re self-reliant. Self-reliance helps you until it becomes a source for your anxiety and worry.

Researchers studied those aged 44-60 and found they have the highest rates of diagnosed anxiety of any age group. This age group is the same generation that was raised to be hyper independent. If you were raised to be ultra self-reliant, you might believe seeking help with anxiety, depression, an intolerance of uncertainty, fear, or intrusive worry is a sign of failure.

My independent and poor quality decisions piled up in my life; I thought asking for help was a sign of failure. Later in my 30s and 40s it never occurred to me that my self-reliance fed my anxiety and worry.

Is it really?

Perhaps in your youth, you had to figure things out because no one was there to help you. In the meantime, life is only getting harder, not easier, and the weight of making all the decisions and finding fixes is burdensome and elevating emotional and mental turmoil.

Thoughts and feelings of insecurity, humiliation, shame, discouragement, fear, anxiety, intolerance of uncertainty, sadness thrive when you isolate from others.

All are powerful and potentially debilitating emotional and mental states. Reaching out, taking steps for support requires vulnerability.

Guess what? Vulnerability and self-reliance can be opposing forces. Independence says you should handle it or you’ve got to handle it. While a vulnerable stance says you’re open to possibilities beyond yourself. It’s okay to ask and receive help.

You can be both self-reliant and vulnerable, open to new opinions and support, if you know how to place self-reliance on pause. Pausing self-reliance opens a door for emotional and spiritual growth and for development of new thought patterns.

Answer the following questions to determine if a pause is right for you.

Could you have a subconscious habit of dismissing other opinions and perspectives?

Do you give more weight and value to the help offered than your own options?

Have you put up walls for self-protection preventing you from receiving support?

Does insecurity prevent you from receiving support?

Do you get second-guess a decision made without input from others?

Does the second-guessing cause you to be anxious or worried? 

If you answered yes to one or more questions, pausing self-reliance may be necessary. The fact is self-reliance usually leaves no room for God. It’s often because of a timeline or you believe you know best.

Maybe it’s time to let God take over as CLO. Especially if you know in your heart, you’re not making any headway with your do-it-yourself methods.

What happens if you rely on God?

God can reveal gaps in your thought process or pending decision.

God can bring people into your life with information you don’t have

God can prompt you to dig a little more to reveal a lie or truth

God provides peace in the chaos and becomes solid ground in an unstable situation

God speaks into your spirit truths that resonate with your mind and soul.

You’ll have to be patient, for God works in his time

You’ll have to let go of wanting what you want and believe in an alternative path

That’s a lot, I know because I did it.

Here’s how I describe it: walking a high wire without a net. No control, scary, ridiculous, risky.

Turning over the keys to God feels like a loss at first, not a gain.

Live it for a while and you’ll see a shift happen. I guarantee it.

Here’s the important question: Do you know how to pause self-reliance?

It starts with speaking aloud or writing out your thoughts or feelings. The process of writing or speaking can reduce self-consciousness or self-protection. Each time you write or speak about the problem, worry, dread, fear, or anxiety-provoking situation, go deeper, get raw and real about it. Hang out with it, get comfortable having it out in the open. It won’t eliminate the thought or feeling but it can give you a sense of control to see or hear it. And it creates a bit of separation between you and what you think and feel.

I believe with a safe person in a safe environment, you can reveal your inner thoughts, describe your emotional turmoil, and be vulnerable. In return, you receive acceptance, understanding, and support.

I believe God wants you to share it with him.

Matthew 6:6 MSG describes Jesus’s thoughts on how to get with God

“Here’s what I want you to do: Find a quiet, secluded place so you won’t be tempted to role-play before God. Just be there as simply and honestly as you can manage. The focus will shift from you to God, and you will begin to sense his grace."

What is grace? No judgment. No condemnation. No disappointment. No “you should have”.

With God you are in a no-shame zone. 

Take a moment to imagine it. A room. A table and 2 chairs. Jesus sits in one chair and you in the other. Jesus says, “What’s going on?” And you release thoughts and feelings creating havoc and chaos within. 

In return, Jesus provides kindness, love, and wisdom for your honest and raw feelings and thoughts. This isn’t some feel-good moment. Jesus wants more for you, wants you to rely on him, turn toward him in those anxious and fearful moments. And trust God with what you cannot control. 

Take some time and open space for God to move, speak, and work in your life. You can always go back to your way. I ask you give it 3-5 months of getting vulnerable and setting aside self-reliance to grow and heal.

For more information on anxiety, overwhelm, and trusting God, go to anchorednotanxious.com

Find me on FB Terri Hutchinson and TikTok Terrihutchinson76

Until next time.